Flowers, chocolates, a movie and dinner - the template for a first date has been romanticised time and again in every story we have heard. But what about the awkward ones, the bad ones, the ones that rarely beckon a second date?
In the sea of romances, there are several dates that have created red flags we never knew we had. Eight denizens share their voices on what not to do on a first date, based on their personal experiences.
Don't judge people on their appetite
We went to Barbeque Nation for the date. This was seven/eight years ago when they opened a new place at Vadapalani. But I think I got super excited about the food that I just dived into it. I ate everything on grill, tried all the main course and went for two rounds of desserts. You know, kudutha kaasuku anubavikanum enra idea.
All this time, the girl was just nibbling on paneer and pineapple. Later I found out that she was quite taken aback by how much one person can eat. Then, I decided to never go to a buffet spread for a date; stick to a la carte or ice cream.
(Ramkumar Natarajan, stand-up comedian)
Don’t change your dates mid-date
So I had been talking to this girl for three years over Twitter, and we started out as friends who’d disappear in between but kept in touch generally. A year ago, I got a job in the same city as her so I asked her out impulsively and she said yes.
We were pretty excited about it. We decided to pursue it in a casual manner and I decided to make our first date a destination setup kind of event. And we decided on going to Gokarna after making up an excuse for her family. We booked ourselves a hotel which was on the foot of a forest - very aesthetic and everything you need for a date to go perfect.
There, we met a common friend of mine from the US and things were good until, on the day I had a special evening planned for us, she left with this guy in the middle of the night. She got back days after to "explain" what eventually turned into an hour of gaslighting, assuring it was all in the spur of the moment.
I still tried understanding her side of things and decided to go with the flow as it was agreed between us to not let things get personal. She later repeated this cycle with three more friends of mine until I finally decided to cut her off for good when I saw all my friends drifting away from me. So, maybe a simple coffee and a dinner works better than a butterfly effect that’ll mess your head up for three months.
(Sushant*, financial advisor)
Don't steal from your date
Once I went out to the movies with a person. They said they'll book the tickets so I promised to take care of the food. Suddenly, he said his card was not working and asked me to book them instead. I did so. At the movies, he said he left his wallet at home and was very hungry.
I was not working, and saving money myself. I still agreed and when we went there, he wouldn't stop ordering, making the bill unaffordable for me. I wasn't even asking for water! I had to ask my brother to send me money. After the movies, we got some tea and I paid for that as well.
Unfortunately, once I came out to my parents, our relationship soured and his was the only place I could have stayed. He was really toxic and even took out many loans under my name. Later, I even figured out that he had stolen money from my mother's wallet on the first date.
(Muhil, architect)
Don't overshare about your ex
A few years ago, I met a person through a common friend; something that happened for the first time. So, I knew nothing about him and spoke to him once before meeting. He seemed very nice and asked a lot of questions about me. When we finally went on a date, all I asked was "Tell me about yourself. What’s your story?" and it started fine, with his education and passions in life. Then, it jumped to his ex. I’m not a fan of people talking about exes on the first date.
He mentioned that they were together for a long time. In fact, he spoke so much about her that I was even aware of their sexual relationship by the end of it, even their stance on condoms. That’s not something you share on a first date. For me, honestly, it was way too much information.
(Parul Gupta*, nutrionist)
Don't impose your company on someone
I matched with a man on a dating app, and he didn’t have a lot of pictures. He seemed like a nice person. We texted a lot and then, started watching movies together online. When I asked if I could see what he looked like, he told me he was shy.
Finally, we decided to meet at his home because of Covid. When he came to receive me I was taken aback. I realised he had used old images on his profile and looked different now.
When we entered his place, there were clothes everywhere, the lightbulbs were broken and he mentioned there were lizards and spiders in the living room. So, we sat in his room and he asked me to change my pants as he was paranoid about COVID. When I refused multiple times, he sprayed me down.
Then, he offered me a beer. He had so many beers in the 35 minutes we spoke and kept holding his paunch, blaming it on the beers. The cherry on top was when he began playing his music and mentioned that it was a significant song to him and his ex girlfriend. When I finally left saying I was uncomfortable, he tried to stop me. He badgered me with calls and texts ever since I left the house.
(Ranjana Priya*, senior account management)
Don't indulge in a little too much alcohol
I went on a date with a guy to a bar and got a couple of drinks. In two drinks, he got wasted and I didn’t know what to do with him. He mentioned that he couldn't go back home in this condition and he wasn’t sure what was happening. Then, I had to take him to another place, sober him up, get him food, slap him a couple of times, and then send him off. Needless to say, there was no second date.
(Misha Jacob*, writer)
Don't be too liberal with intoxicants
I went to a date ‘under the influence’. It wasn’t disastrous but it didn’t go well. I was late. I came across as stupid. She was talking about a documentary on The Beatles. I managed to have a conversation about why I like Lenon more than McCarthy. After a few minutes, everything fizzled out. Also, it was setup by a friend and he had come with another friend of his, and I couldn’t stop but check her out.
(Arivazhagan*, writer)
Don't 'colour' your comments
Being a queer person in Chennai, dates rarely happen since hookup culture is so prevalent. I like to take things slow. So, once I was out on a date with somebody and it was going well until they mentioned that it was the first time that they were out with someone who is "chocolate brown". They were referring to my skin colour.
They went on and on about how this would be the first time they "taste dark chocolate". It was strange because we were connecting well at some point. It irked me because it was wrong on multiple levels. So, I had to end the relationship right there. They asked me how they can change and I told them about it.
(DK, queer affirmative mental health counsellor)
(* Names changed on request)