'I'll survive, I'll fight': Deepti Naval shares a poem on battling depression, suicidal thoughts 

Mumbai, Jun 16 (PTI): In reaction to Sushant Singh Rajput's death, veteran actor Deepti Naval has opened up about her struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts in the early-1990s.

Naval shared a poem that she wrote during her struggle with depression on her Facebook page after paying tributes to Rajput, who was found hanging in his Bandra apartment on Sunday at the age of 34.

According to a police official, Mumbai Police found out during the probe that the actor was under medication for depression.

The 68-year-old actor made her debut with Shyam Benegal's 1978 Junoon and went on to feature in films like Chashme Buddoor, Ankahee, Mirch Masala, Saath Saath among others in the 80s.

Naval's poem, titled Black Wind, begins by describing how anxiety engulfs a person.

In the poem, Naval talks about fighting suicidal thoughts and depression, describing it as a "ghoulish lust" she won't succumb to.

The actor ends by writing that she will survive the night, its "deathly design" and fight.

In an interview last year, Naval had mentioned how acting assignments started to thin in the late-1990s and as a "serious actor" it was "devastating" to be ignored.

Naval was expected to release a fresh collection of poetry.

READ THE COMPLETE POEM

'BLACK WIND'

Anxiety grips me with both hands
Spiked claws dig deep into my soul
I gasp for breath and stagger around
Sharp corners of my single bed

A dark belligerent sea rises in anger
The night has a deadly mission, I can see

I will not succumb to its ghoulish lust

Pull the shutters down
Block all sound
Slam it out
Clamp it!
Not in here, it can’t get to me

The telephone rings . . . no, it stops . . .

God damn! Why don’t anyone speak?

A voice,
Just a human voice
In this shameless, pitiless
Abyss of the night –

Gloom deepens into darkness, turns purple
I feel dark inside . . .

They are here, they drive me
Dark shadows in my room

‘Go jump!
One leap across the railing -
That’s all it takes!

Rain slashes down my window
Beats it blue!

A dagger pierces the gut, my sanity reels

‘Yes .. . one leap . . . that’s all . . . I know!’

‘Do it! Have the guts! Jump!’

Demons from the sea
Stalk towards me stealthily . . .
I lurch back and grapple for reason

‘. . . but… my life . . . my art . . . ?’

‘Rotten life! Rotten art! Rotten relationships!
Strip every moment to stark nakedness
Think hard! Debate! Why should you live? Why?’

Hurled in a corner, I live and relive my life
Closing in on me, inch by deathly inch -
Vicious, spiteful beings
Hissing . . . hissing . . .

‘Your life’s a mess! End it!’

‘Yes . . . I . . . I. . .’

‘A snake pit! That’s what the world is! Quit!’

‘But I have books, friends… my music . . .’

Laughter hollers! Like wind’s unbeaten track!

‘Hypocrisy! Masks! People tearing people!’

‘But there’s my work…’

‘Pressure, competition, failure! An endless struggle!’

‘I’ll survive’.

‘Need the killer’s instinct! Have it?’

‘There’s bougainvillaea… and long distance calls…’

Ha!

`…mountains . . . movies . . . monsoons . . .’

‘Escape . . . escape . . . escape . . . ‘

‘Van Gogh’s cypresses, and … evenings in hills’

‘You’ll never learn!’

‘Mustard fields…and, . . . motherhood?’

‘Bad dreams! …Give it up!’

‘There’s memories and .. . letters home’

‘ Emptiness! Loneliness! End it now! End it!’

‘Making love . . .’

‘Making what? Everyone uses everyone!’

‘There’s hope… isn’t there?’

‘It’s a four letter word! End it now, you worm!’

‘ . . . and faith?’

‘Regret! Shame! Guilt!’

‘Love’

Futile . . .’

‘God?’

‘Guilt! Guilt!’

‘STOP IT . . .! ! !’

A black wind howls through the wet marsh…
The sea witnesses an undefended siege –

I will survive this night, its deathly design ;
I will fight!

The world’s a snake pit, so let it be!
I dare the devil to get the better of me!

Deepti Naval
Night of July 28, 1991