I had chosen drugs over everything for a good part of my life growing up. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster riddled with relapses and withdrawals. After multiple failed attempts and dark days, my journey towards redemption began two years back with the help of a well-wisher who believed in me. In the past two months, I’ve not just surprised everyone around me but myself by staying sober.
The highs and lows
I resorted to self-harm when I was 13, and that was the beginning of my addictions. I reached out to my parents, saying I felt sad all the time and never felt like I belonged anywhere. I couldn’t explain it any better back then. My parents reacted the same way a lot of brown parents still do. They beat me and assumed I was going through a ‘love failure’. And here I was, not even sure if I liked men.
A friend noticed my scars and offered me a joint saying it helped her. I figured a few drags would do no harm and that’s how it started. In the first year, I would smoke over the weekends or sometimes once in 2-3 weeks. But from when I was 14 to just a few months ago, I smoked weed every single day — from when I woke up to when I went to bed. I trusted the wrong group of people who decided that it was easy to give drugs and a ‘safe space’ for the girls who desperately needed a hit, and take advantage of them. This came out in the form of a video and led to everyone I knew from school talking about it. Every single friend judged me for being a drug addict and didn’t want to be associated with me anymore.
I even pursued a BSc in Psychology to comprehend what was happening to me, but I ended up adding on more substances that would just get me to stop thinking. I have very little memory of what happened in the past five-six years because I was intoxicated for the most part of it. A few years before alcohol, cigarettes, and more that could’ve easily killed me or landed me in jail, came into picture.
After spending 21 years in Chennai, I moved to Canada to pursue post-graduation in HR and International Business Management. I got a job and was promoted thrice. All this while battling anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. I was under medication as prescribed by my psychiatrist. My physical health went for a toss. After moving to a new country, I chose to stay at home and get high rather than go to college or work. I had my parents to support me financially and I just blew it all up on drugs. This persisted.
Coping with cravings
The quitting process began two years back. All thanks to my professor Schell in Canada who noticed that I was high during class. Instead of writing me up, he called me to his office and showed me that there is always someone who is willing to listen and I just spoke my mind. After a month, he sat me down and spoke about how he lost his daughter to depression and substance abuse. He referred me to a good therapist and even accompanied me and waited outside while I was in a session. I decided to try to quit for this poor old man.
I started by quitting one at a time. I would go for three days tops and then resort to getting high again. At this point, I didn’t think I could ever quit weed/alcohol/cigarettes. Countless paychecks have gone to my dealer. I decided to change my surroundings. I moved to a new city and began trying to land a new job. I refrained from connecting with dealers and distanced myself from everyone. Anytime I craved a hit, I invested my time in exploring better career options or making travel plans. I realised that my craving usually lasts about 30 seconds. If I got through that, I’d survive another hour or so before the craving started again. I lived through all the sweats and chills but after quitting and relapsing and quitting again for about five months, I was able to finally quit the illegal substances. It took another year and a half to quit everything else following the same method. Alcohol went down first, then weed, then finally about two months ago, I quit cigarettes too.
A lot of people showed their support when I shared my story on social media, and I really appreciate it. People who had stopped talking to me because I was an addict, came back and told me that they always believed in me. While a significant portion of people with whom I have been really close decided that this was just something I did for social media attention and tried to tempt me with pictures and videos of them using substances. Some even went the extra mile and showed up at my house and offered it to me for free because apparently, it’s just not possible for someone like me to quit.
All it takes is just one person to believe in you. People who really care are not available in abundance. But they do exist. Don’t lose hope. Once you find that one person, it may not look like it at the moment, but life does actually start getting better.
(Josline Sekar* works as a telecommunication manager in Toronto)
*Name changed on request
This series offers the transformative journeys of people who have had to live through/with a health crisis. This is reminder that you may not be alone in your struggle. Write to us about your story: cityexpresschn@gmail.com