A grown-up's guide to hosting people at home without losing your mind

You know you've got hosting right when your guests stop feeling like guests.

They take their shoes off without asking, help themselves to another drink, wander into the kitchen while you're cooking and eventually end up sitting somewhere they weren't originally meant to sit. Someone starts controlling the music. Someone else is eating straight from the serving dish. The person who arrived saying they could only stay for an hour is still there three hours later. That is a good evening.

The secret to being a really good host

It is tempting to think hosting is about the food. There is a great satisfaction in putting an impressive meal on the table, especially when everyone notices the effort. But good hosting starts much earlier, with the little things that make arriving somewhere feel easy. A glass of water when someone arrives is a good place to start. So is a small snack. There is no need to immediately press a glass of wine into everyone's hand. Some people have come straight from work, some have been travelling, some simply don't drink. A bowl of crisps, some juice, sparkling water or a little something sweet can be just as welcome.

It also helps to put the drinks somewhere people can see them. A tray with a few options is much easier than making every person answer, "What would you like to drink?" before they have even taken their coat off. Water, wine, something non-alcoholic and perhaps a jug of something refreshing should cover most bases. Sometimes the most thoughtful thing on the tray will be the least glamorous. One guest may spot a Diet Coke and think, thank God, exactly what I wanted.

The house does not have to be immaculate either. In fact, a home that looks too carefully arranged can make people nervous about touching anything. Leave the books out. Let the flowers be slightly wonky. There is even an argument for choosing slightly divisive art. The safest picture in the room is unlikely to get anyone talking. Something that makes a guest ask, "What on earth is that?" is much more useful. Keep the good glasses, but don't panic if one of them doesn't match the others. A home should look lived in.

And then there is lighting. Flowers are lovely, but good lighting will win every time. Turn off the giant ceiling light. Use lamps, candles and whatever warm little pools of light the room has to offer. Nobody wants to sit around a dinner table feeling as though they are being interrogated. The aim is to make the room feel cosy enough that everyone forgets to check the time.

The same goes for the beginning of the evening. Don't make everyone sit down immediately. That awkward little stretch when people are standing around with drinks, greeting whoever has just arrived and figuring out where they fit is actually useful. It gives everyone time to arrive properly.

Once dinner does begin, a seating plan can help, but it doesn't need to become a military exercise. Couples don't have to sit beside each other. Mixing old friends with new ones can make for much better conversation, particularly when people come from completely different parts of your life. Just make sure everyone has at least one person they know well enough to rescue them if the conversation takes a strange turn.

And if there is silence, leave it alone.

Hosts often feel responsible for keeping conversation alive, as though a five-second pause means the evening is failing. It doesn't. Someone will speak. They always do. The host sets the volume too, so there is no need to shout across the table. Keep the music just below conversation level and let people talk.

Food should be similarly uncomplicated. There should be something people can eat with their hands while they are still standing around. Good bread and cheese, vegetables with dips, olives, cured meats, something warm from the oven. The first few bites give people something to do while the conversation gets going.

And great ingredients will almost always beat an elaborate dish you've never made before. Seasonal tomatoes, good butter, fresh bread, local honey, ripe fruit. A dinner party does not need to become a cooking examination.

Most importantly, never make guests feel guilty for the effort that went into hosting them. There is something slightly painful when arriving at someone's home and immediately hearing how exhausted they are, how early they started cooking or how many shops they had to visit. Yes, hosting takes work. But nobody forced you to do it. If you've invited people over, let them enjoy the fact that you wanted them there.

And pay attention. The friend who has had a terrible week might need a quiet corner rather than another drink. Someone who has arrived hungry may be grateful for something substantial before dinner. The guest who keeps looking at the bookshelf may genuinely want to borrow that novel.

The best hosts notice these things without making a fuss about them.

By the end of a good evening, nobody should be thinking about whether the table setting was perfect. They should be thinking about the conversation that went on far too long, the second helping they didn't need but had anyway, and how they somehow ended up staying until midnight.

If they leave feeling a little more relaxed than when they arrived, the hosting was probably good enough.

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