‘It took me almost turning 30 till I even felt ready to show up to a date as my real self’: Karan Soni on finding love

It was difficult. I think you can’t find love until you’ve worked through a lot of your own stuff and it took me almost turning 30 till I even felt ready to show up to a date as my real self. Take your time and don’t compare yourself to others’ timelines.

Not really. I think the difference is that in the USA, life is a little more independent and often you aren’t as beholden to family and family expectations. Which is both a good and bad thing.

Yes and no. I think it’s always helpful when someone understands this career path because it’s unusual and can take a lot out of you. But a career in entertainment always has its ups and downs and stability is hard which can bleed into the relationship.

Having someone to be there with you in the good times and the bad.

The play of the same name, written by Madhuri Shekhar, was originally inspired by Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge (DDLJ). Therefore, the play and movie follow a similar structure to DDLJ. It’s about two people meeting. In this case, what’s different is my character (Naveen) is queer and ends up meeting Jonathan Groff’s character (Jay) and they fall in love. The majority of the movie, unlike most Hollywood romantic movies, is about the parents’ approval, which is a very Indian thing. In American movies, we often joke about how you’ll see a love story and never even meet the character’s parents. So, the movie is really about my sister, mother and father in the movie, who have different ideas of what kind of person they want me to marry. So, it’s really about both characters ending up winning the family over before the end of the movie. In many ways, it follows a similar structure to DDLJ where Shah Rukh and Kajol meet and Shah Rukh has to win over her family; and that’s the same thing but in a different way with this movie.

I think it’s very relatable for people in India and Indian-Americans because the movie is very respectful to the parents. I think, what happens in Hollywood movies is the parental characters are not always, but many times the quirky side characters they don’t have full stories or they are not lead characters, if there are even any parents.

The character was interestingly a bit challenging to play because he is very shy and he doesn't know how he feels. Essentially, it's not a coming-out story. He has already come out. It's the ‘family that wants him to marry someone who's Indian versus not’ that makes most of the story. But the real conflict here is that they just don't want him to have a big Indian wedding. The family's like, ‘We accept you, but we don't know how the community will feel’. Weddings are the splashes! You invite everyone and they're big! And they're like, ‘We're not ready to see two men do this. Therefore to them, they're like, ‘we're being supportive’.So the conflict really is about the character who's been kind of very shy and not expressive. He's this person who falls in love, and then he kind of wants to come out of his shell. And by the end of the piece — spoiler alert! I'm dancing at this wedding to a Bollywood song.

What was difficult about playing him was that often, I was not saying what I was feeling in the dialogue. What my character was feeling existed between the lines. Honestly, I have no method. You just hope to feel what you're feeling and count on the camera to capture it. But I think what's really interesting about is about where the character is. He's technically accepted. But it's the next step of that — ‘you're accepting me within the walls of our home, but will you accept me of the world? And that is, I think, the fight he is willing to take on. And instead of just happy with what he has, he's like, no, actually, I want the full experience. He thinks to himself, ‘If I was straight, you’d have a wedding for your son. You would be so happy. So why don't I get the same thing?’ By the end, he basically sort of gives his family the choice of like, I'm going to choose this for myself. And many people can relate in many ways. I think a lot of us, if you're queer, straight, or whatever, I think it's easy on a smaller level to sometimes be like, I don't want to ask for the promotion.  I should be happy with what I have. And that journey of like, actually, I think I deserve a little bit better.

It’s been interesting for us to see a lot of non-Indian audiences — older people and parents — feel very emotional watching the movie because it is very sensitive to those characters (Jay and Naveen). I think that’s where the emotion comes from. There’s something really beautiful in any kind of conflict when a parent is unhappy with their child — which does happen a lot in Indian culture because they have different expectations. There’s something very emotional and moving in watching parents eventually accept who their child is. You give birth to someone and then you want them to be a certain person and often they become something else. That journey of accepting just tugs at a very human emotion. It’s more about the love story between the parent and the child, which for someone who’s queer, such as myself, is such a universal thing because that’s often where a lot of that conflict comes from between the two generations. We’ve shown the movie many times at festivals and have had very emotional Q&As after the screening. It’s just such a cathartic experience to see that kind of thing.

Many times people shared their stories during such conversations. And all of them didn't have to be queer. As you know, I'm sure there are often parents who don't want you to marry interfaith or they don't want you to marry a white person or non-Indian or whatever it is. And then eventually they might have missed a part of their child's life — not having gone to the wedding, not done certain things to be part of their lives. And then hopefully time has gone by and they've mended the relationship. So the film brings out a lot of those emotions. And that was always our pitch for this movie. We thought that this film is for everyone because everyone has dated someone that they've brought home that their parents are like, ‘This isn't who I thought it would be’. That conflict is kind of universal in most cases. So there's something very emotional about watching the older generation kind of understand the younger one and come together. The movie therefore ends with a big Indian wedding.

My aesthetic is just what’s comfortable and makes me feel comfortable. However, interestingly, when I first came to America when I was 18, to go to college, I didn’t bring any Indian clothes with me, like Nehru collar shirts, or any of the kurtas. But now, I want to be accepted into this culture. Now, as I’ve grown older, I look at Indian clothes and I go: “These clothes are so beautiful! These colours are beautiful!. It’s so comfortable!” So, I’ve been trying to wear more Indian stuff to American events. I would much rather wear a kurta than wear an American three-piece suit. I’ve been trying to find stores in Los Angeles where I can get that kind of clothing. If I ever get invited to the Oscars, I’m wearing Indian.

We often joke that in Sex and the City, which is more show than a movie, you never meet Carrie Bradshaw's parents in like seven seasons and two movies (laughs). And you literally have no idea who raised her, which is such an American thing. You turn 18 and then your parents, you know, might not even see you again. It's a normal thing that happens — you kind of leave the house. But obviously in our culture, you know, we have to call our mom every day."