I was born to play: Saina Nehwal reflects on retirement, a journey of grit and new beginnings

Yes, it was a long thought-out process, and also very painful, because I kept on trying (to not give up badminton). But the doctor said that my knees were swelling up every day, and we had to get the fluid out; it’s too painful when they put the injection in your joint to remove the fluid. And then of course, I got to know it’s arthritis! There was a lot of degeneration in my cartilage, and I couldn’t push anymore. And if you are not able to train for eight to nine hours a day, then you can’t think of being in top 10 or winning many titles. So yes, it took me long to make myself believe that yes, I want to retire.

I have played for many years; I started very young, so I love it (badminton) even more. From my childhood, all I have only known is the sport, and suddenly there comes a time when you have to part with it... It was indeed very difficult to process it. I would just listen to doctors speak; they said an operation will also not work that well. In that moment, my mind would race back to all the years I have spent training and playing, and now I won’t be able to go to the court…

I am someone who gives 100 per cent to all my matches. I kept thinking of all that... the orthopedic surgeon said, ‘You’re not a machine. You are a human being, and you have to take the decision’. I said, ‘Okay, sir’. But I still did some good exercises, pushed myself. I tried everything. I did gain the strength. But again, to play at that level, you’re putting three times your body weight when you’re lunging at the net or sides or jumping, and it is definitely not easy. I could see the knees giving up. So yeah, it’s been a very emotional decision. Having said that, I came on my own terms when I wanted to play, and I wanted to exit on my own terms.

Everyone was very emotional; I could see they were feeling as sad as me. People have been really supportive. They were sharing all my achievements. I’m thankful to all my fans and supporters who have been with me for so many years. They’ve prayed for me. They were with me before all the wins…. I meet a lot of young fans who ask me, ‘Didi, are you not playing?’ And I’m like, ‘Yes, I’m not playing. It is tough to continue anymore.’ But yeah, I mean the love I have received… I am really grateful.

No, I don’t cry easily. I’m not that emotional a person. I am very strong, in the sense that I can understand that my body is not helping now, so what can I to do! It’s a part of life. Sports teaches you that. Also, since I was a kid, we have been through a lot of ups and downs. We have gone through so many emotions in a day — happy, sad, crying with the matches happening; very happy if I am winning, very sad if I am losing. Then training — if it’s going well, very good; if it’s not going well, then punishment; and then stressing over weight after having some extra food because I have a tendency to put on weight. You have to really be very careful with your body, your food, your mental condition… all these things matter so much that you get into a discipline, and emotionally, you become very strong. Obviously, things hurt, but then you understand that every day, you have to show up.

No, no. It was in fact a bit aggressive. The retirement was irritating, it bothered me. I shouted at my parents because I was hurt, and they knew where it was all coming from. I was like, ‘I don’t want to play, I don’t want this racket. I don’t want this and that’. I was, like a kid trying to disassociate myself, because I wanted to play, but I can’t do that anymore! My parents took it very calmly and listened to me. After a few days of outbursts, I was fine; I understood this is the way it is. Touchwood, ever since, I’ve been busy a lot — events, travelling, family... I’m happy and I’m enjoying this phase now.

(Pauses) It was feeling of a different kind, and such outbursts can happen only in front of parents because they are the ones who can handle it. We processed it together, and I’m a very relaxed now. There is no aggression (laughs).

Aggression was on court. That was me. I think I was born to play, maybe because it was only on court where my fighting spirit showcased. In fact, it comes out whenever I play pickleball or some game, even the funny ones, or for that matter, even ludo that I play with my parents.

If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have achieved what I have. If I were a very relaxed kind of a person, I don’t think I could have been World No. 1. It needs that kind of super seriousness, discipline, sacrifices, that ‘little bit extra’. Of course, it’s a game where you lose and win. You’ll lose so many, you will win very less, but you will have to be thinking ‘I am the best’, and ‘I can achieve more than what my level is’; that’s what I showed for so many years. And that’s also the reason why I was little bit harsh or strict with myself.

I was such a selfish player. And I think it’s needed, otherwise, how will you get results? I used to be just quiet and be with myself. I don’t know how I learned that, but I just thought if I keep to myself, if I’m just thinking about myself and my game, it will be nice, it will help me focus. I didn’t want to get into friendships with anyone, or talk non-stop, which could divert my mind. This is my thinking, for myself. What others think and do, or what works for them, they should do that. But for me, I felt that I need to cut off from people and not divert myself during tournaments, because I was there to play matches, win and get the trophy. I followed that rhythm. Many times, I would go alone and have lunch/dinner. I was okay just being alone.

I don’t have best friends who I would call and tell my dil ka haal (laughs). If anything, I will get up at two in the night and then call my mom and narrate whatever I have to; or my dad, not even my sister... because people who will listen to me are my parents and Kashyap.

Kashyap has been with me for so many years. He’s travelled with me, we have played tournaments together, he’s someone who listens, and always comes up with good advice. He has helped me with many matches as well. At times, when I doubted myself, Kashyap was the one who was there to make me believe in myself. He is very calm and chilled. Sometimes he used to think about my match more than his own! He would tell me, ‘Looking at you train so hard, we also learned the amount of work we need to put in to become the best’. There was, of course, Gurusai Dutt, Sai Praneeth, Prannoy with who I would talk a bit, but the conversations were always about games, never anything personal.

I don’t think I’ve missed anything. I was always so busy with myself, my work, my travel. And like I said, I’m someone who can sit alone also.

I can sit and watch Kapil Sharma Show, a lot of Bollywood movies, listen to songs. I like to travel too; I want to go to some safaris. Okay so, what happens is, when I sit with people, I talk for some time, and then my mind just goes back to my game. I have been playing for so long that my mind was always active just preparing. So, yeah, I don’t miss not making too many friends, to answer your question; I was so proud and happy to be standing on the podium and becoming Saina. So many youngsters want to play badminton because of that.

Kashyap is a very good coach, so in a way, he is already giving back to badminton. But both of us together doing something for badminton… we’ll see in the future. I am taking things one year at a time. I don’t want to jump into starting an academy or anything like that yet.

Not every top player is going to be a very good coach. As a coach, you have to make programs for every player — how they have to train every day, and every player is different. Coaching is tougher than playing. The amount of pressure a player takes, I think a coach takes double that pressure. So, I will just wait for some time and take things slow.

For example, I was training with Gopi sir, but he had 30-40 players to look after. Now things have changed so much. Everyone wants single attention, and players today are getting individual coaches. I didn’t have that. I got my first physio at the age of 19. If I had what players today have, at the age of nine, imagine the amount of improvement I would have made. I could have also played for many more years.

First, my mom dreamt that her child will be an Olympic champion someday, when I was just into summer camp in ’99. It was the first starting month of my sport life, and she believed in me. She is my role model, because before me, there were no female player who were achieving at that level, continuously winning titles or proving that Indians can be number one in the world or get Olympic medals. She made me believe it is possible.

I never played with dolls. I never had time to enjoy my time outside of sport, but my mother moulded me into someone who really started enjoying the sport. She made sure that I won titles. And finally, when I achieved what I have, I couldn’t believe myself. It was like a dream come true.

Second, within a few months of me becoming a regular player and winning the district championship, my father took loans from the bank and some money from his friends to buy shuttle barrels, shoes, and rackets. He took that step without any guarantee of what the sport could bring me. I’m thankful that I have such supportive and fearless parents.

We have been good friends for a very long time. We could talk about anything, although he opens up very less. But I open up easily and I am also straight-forward. I can just vent it out. And that is the way it’s been between us. Of course, there are ups and downs in relationships, but then even after our fights, we could just come back to being normal. He is coaching now, so he has been very busy, but otherwise, we go for movies, or dinners; he loves to sing and I love to make his videos. We go to gym together and try to spend as much time together as possible.

(Laughs) No one. Sorry koi nahi bolta! The ‘no talking’ phase lasts for a few hours, and then either of us will be like, ‘let’s go for dinner’ or ‘let’s hit the gym’, and things are automatically sorted.

I loved it. I loved my career. I achieved whatever I set out for. I moved from Haryana to Hyderabad to become a professional sportsperson. The journey has been a dream come true.