Why women are tired of being the family search engine

There’s that moment at 10.30 pm when the lights are out, the house is quiet, and you finally collapse into bed—only to remember your child has a science project due tomorrow, the laundry is still in the machine, and you never responded to that school WhatsApp group message. You mentally add ‘pack lunch’ and ‘reschedule the dentist appointment’ to tomorrow’s already overloaded list. No one asked you to do it all—but somehow, you’re the only one keeping track of it. That, in essence, is the mental load.

Emotional exhaustion has a name — It’s called the mental load

Often described as the invisible, cognitive labour involved in managing a household—like remembering the pediatrician appointment, noticing when the milk is about to run out, or preemptively planning a school costume day—the mental load disproportionately falls on women, regardless of how progressive a household may seem. It's not just about doing chores; it’s about thinking about them, planning them, and making sure someone else gets them done.

The invisible job that never ends

Sociologist Emma R. M. Rees calls it the ‘third shift’: after a full day of paid work and household tasks, women often carry a mental checklist that never gets turned off. According to a 2023 global survey by the International Labour Organization, women spend on average three times more hours than men on unpaid care and domestic work—including the mental labour of managing it. It’s no wonder, then, that studies link mental load with chronic stress, anxiety, insomnia, and even burnout. And while cultural expectations differ, the patterns are strikingly similar across geographies: women from Tokyo to Toronto are feeling the squeeze.

You don’t have to dive into academic papers to see the mental load in action—pop culture has been showing it to us for years. Think of Bree Van de Kamp from Desperate Housewives, gliding through her spotless home with manicured control, but falling apart beneath the surface. Or Fleabag’s uptight sister Claire, who screams “I look like a pencil!” while juggling an imploding marriage, a child, and a PR job. Even Modern Family’s Claire Dunphy constantly micromanages her entire household while her husband, Phil, remains blissfully unaware of the emotional effort behind their suburban life. The message is clear: she’s thinking about everything so no one else has to.

In India, women often carry the “izzat” (honour) of the family alongside grocery lists and school forms. In Scandinavian countries—celebrated for their gender equality—even dual-income couples admit that women tend to manage the logistics of family life more consistently. In Latin America, the concept of “marianismo” often romanticises women’s sacrifice, reinforcing unbalanced domestic roles under the guise of maternal love. This isn’t just a ‘modern woman’s problem’—it’s a global, generational inheritance that’s been cleverly disguised as care.

Mental load is about equity—the right to live in a home where every adult carries their share of the invisible weight. It’s about freeing women from the exhausting job of being the family project manager, emotional processor, and memory bank all rolled into one. Until society starts giving this burden a name, women will keep carrying it in silence. But with greater awareness, cultural shifts, and candid conversations, we might just move closer to balance.