Heterofatalism and the burden of loving men

Someone once commented under a reel about a straight relationship, 'Being in a straight relationship is self-harm at this point.' Many liked the comment, but why the extrapolative sentiment? Chances are, you’ve felt it too, even if you didn’t have the word for it. Enter heterofatalism.

Heterofatalism describes the resigned belief that heterosexual relationships are emotionally unfulfilling

In 2019, writer and researcher Asa Seresin coined the term "heteropessimism" to name the growing sentiment that straight relationships are inherently disappointing.

But now, mid-20s cultural commentary has only raised more attention to the concept which has evolved into something even more stark: heterofatalism.

It is a belief that relationships are like prison cells. Many straight women, even some straight men, are getting the sense that straight culture is emotionally bankrupt, but still necessary to participate in. After all, sexuality is not a choice.

Some frame it as an existential crisis in the current dating culture.

Some see it as performative resignation, where women say things like “men are trash” and share relatable memes among friends to make fun of their decrepit romantic lives, but still end up on dating apps.

Perhaps it’s because the idea of love still has a powerful hold on us. Or it could also stem from our belief that heterosexuality is the default or ideal.

A recent Morgan Stanley survey found that 45% of women in the working age range of 25–44 are going to end up single and childfree by 2030. And it may have something to do with how emotionally and mentally exhausted women are.

They have seen the lives their mothers and grandmothers have lived, sacrificing to take care of those around them. They've grown up experiencing the systemic disappointment of rigid family norms and watched media constantly glamorise this dysfunction.

They're still contributing a higher share of physical and emotional labour, but are still on the receiving end of societal backlash for choosing to stay unmarried and/ or childfree because that apparently makes them "selfish."

On the other hand, more and more men seem to be exhibiting what is called the "Peter Pan syndrome" due to the plethora of dating options out there. Much like the fictitious character Peter Pan, several men refuse financial responsibility or even long-term relationships.

But what is the way out?

There's too much conflicting advice out there. Decenter men but do not give up on people just yet, because "annoyance is the price you pay for a community." Love yourself and put yourself first, but learn to adjust in relationships.

So what is it going to take to be happy? Giving in or giving up?

Some critics see heterofatalism as intellectually similar to incel ideology. They see it as a gender war that pins the blame on men. Some people with a heterofatalistic mindset do put on a show, where they're performing a near-militant stance of completely avoiding men, even if it is ultimately ineffectual.

Isn't choosing to shy away from vulnerability harming us as well?

Of course, Reddit users have their two cents on the topic.

“They know they are straight but they don’t like it… sounds like the attraction is still there, but they don’t like everything they think comes with it.”

So, is heterofatalism merely a belief system, or does it point to a deeper, fatal reality that women have only two ways to survive? Either conform and internalise patriarchy to get by, or reject it entirely and carve out a life on their own terms.

Either way, they have to decide what makes them happy, but is romantic love the price they have to pay for independence?

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